Intelle Brain When parents are available, attuned, and non-intrusive, children are able to use them for emotional regulation. This type of support patterns the child's brain toward healthy independence (where they can care for themselves, but also allow others to care for them when needed). When parents are inconsistent, a child might learn to cling to his or her loved one's to get what she needs, thereby engraining a style of relating (or an "attachment style") that is very sensitive to abandonment (this is called a preoccupied or ambivalent attachment style). On the other hand, a child may feel so neglected that he or she "gives up" on others and shuts down his or her need for support-to the point that it can be difficult to receive support much at all later in life (this is called an avoidant or dismissive attachment style). Though these adaptations may be necessary during childhood, they can be unfortunate later on, since having a secure connection to another can be a uniquely effective way to emotionally regulate.
To summarize, for people who did not have positive experiences of being regulated by their caretakers, it may be more difficult for them to effectively use others when dysregulation occurs. In couples counseling, teaching partners to successfully use one another for regulation is a key to therapy and can often make the difference between a safe, healing relationship, and an unsafe, damaging (or distant) one.
Emotional Regulation: Before I go on, let me say more about the concept of emotional regulation versus dysregulation, since it is one that is often the focus of therapy. Emotional dysregulation is the word used to describe a state in which the brain is having difficulty keeping emotion at a manageable level. It is extremely common (in fact, all of us get dysregulated at times). A person might be too "low" (collapsed, despairing, shut-off from feelings) or too "high" (flooded, agitated, overwhelmed). Building on this idea, Seigel has described emotional resilience as the ability to maintain a balance between states of chaos and rigidity. Chaos and rigidity are on opposite sides of a continuum in terms of brain state, and have to do with a lack of integration between parts of the brain.
Two types of integration are important in the brain--horizontal integration (between the right and left hemispheres) and vertical integration (between higher and lower centers). If either is missing, then chaos or rigidity occur. Chaos occurs when the brain centers in charge of emotional response (in the mid and lower as well as right brain) fire without modulation by the more calming and "thinking" (upper and left) parts of the brain. This happens when a person becomes flooded or overwhelmed with emotion. In these states of chaos, the therapist will try to bring the client back into a window of emotional tolerance by helping bring "higher" brain functions back on-line, thereby shoring up his/her sense of safety, structure, and stability. The therapist's presence alone can act as a stabilizing force. Also, because the language center is in the left hemisphere, simply naming what one feels can activate the left brain, and thereby help create order out of chaos (hence the saying: "you must name it to tame it").
In contrast, rigidity occurs when the left and higher brain's analytical functions are activated with minimal input from the feeling, intuitive, empathic functions of the brain. People who tend towards rigidity often describe themselves as being too much "in their head." They are able to rationally analyze a problem, but may have difficulty knowing what they feel or want, or lack a gut sense of what is right for them. In this case, a psychologist's active support helps clients to access feelings they may have been ignoring or avoiding.
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